Welcome to The Learning Curve! A publication inspired by using my own privilege and allowing others with less of a voice to communicate their stories through me. Each month, readers vote on a theme that they want to be covered and would enjoy learning more about. Then, I set out to find people who are willing to share their personal stories with me and the rest of the Learning Curve community. This months' topic is mental health and mental illness.
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Pregnancy looks different for each person. Circumstances such as age, location, career and marriage status often play a role in ones’ individual pregnancy experience. But what we see on the outside of a pregnancy, looks a lot different from the inside.
Lucy Ayala, 23, is nine months pregnant and expecting her baby boy, Benjamin, any day now. She and her fiancé, Brandon, were not trying for a child, so when they found out, they were faced with new challenges in their plan.
Originally planning for a wedding, they detoured to plan for a new member of the family. The couple will now celebrate their marriage in the summer of 2023.
Ayala and Brandon met through the Navy where they are both stationed in Norfolk, Virginia. They had been engaged for just a few weeks before finding out they were expecting.
Lucy Ayala, 23, serves in the Navy as a Petty Officer Second Class. She and her fiance, Brandon, met through the military.
Ayala is diagnosed with anxiety, depression and acute adjustment disorder, a combination of mental health illnesses that were severely impacted by the introduction of hormonal birth control, she said.
She had tried multiple different forms of contraception, each making her feel less and less like herself. Finally, she decided to quit experimenting with contraceptive pills and insertions, turning to the natural alternative—tracking her cycle and ovulation on her own.
“I was mortified,” she said. “I knew instantly when I was pregnant because I had been tracking everything so closely.”
Fear immediately sunk in for her when she realized she had to tell the military of her pregnancy, and she worried she would be judged as “the chick on the ship who got pregnant,” she said.
In the Navy, sailors spend a number of years on “sea tour,” or out on the ship, and then spend an equal number of years off the ship, or “shore tour.” It is frowned upon to get pregnant while on sea tour because then you cannot stay on the ship, Ayala said.
“It was like putting a stick in the wheel of my bike while I was just trying to go on a pleasant ride,” she said. “I did not plan for this. It was like I tumbled and hit my head and just had to reevaluate everything.”
Luckily, her chief was very supportive of the pregnancy, wished her the best and helped her get a new command as “LIMDU,” or limited duty. This command is designated for sailors who are sick, injured or pregnant, she said. It provides a place to work, without being too physically demanding.
Outside of her work worries, Ayala faced serious anxiety when it came to thoughts about what her friends and family would think, she said.
“I have never been someone who cared much about societal expectations, but rather, I am more focused on what my tight-knit group of people will think of me or say behind closed doors,” she said.
She expressed a fear of losing friends because she may not be able to do the same things, or have the same freedom as opposed to when she did not have a child. She also worried deeply about what her parents would think.
Ayala grew up in a Roman Catholic home, attended Catholic schools and is the third child of four. She had always been the rebellious one out of her siblings, and worried this would be the final straw for her parents, she said.
“I facetimed them at eight weeks pregnant and had a whole speech prepared for what I was going to say,” she said. “But I got the words ‘I’m pregnant’ out and just burst into tears.”
To her relief, however, her parents responded extremely well, told her and Brandon congratulations and are actively counting down the days until they get to meet their first-born grandson, Ayala said.
Brandon has a 5-year-old daughter, Arianna, from a previous relationship who lives with him and Ayala, making the news more justifiable because the two are already raising a child together, Ayala said.
Brandon (left), Ayala (right), Arianna and their puppy, Kobe, on the day Brandon proposed. The family is now expecting a baby boy any day now.
“I love her and I nourish her and care for her, but being a step parent does not always come with the same responsibilities as a biological parent,” she said. “Being a parent is already easy for me, but the thought of a newborn did take a mental toll on me at first.”
As the day she gets to meet her baby boy soon approaches, Ayala reflects on her pregnancy as a mostly joyful experience, but with the exception of body shaming herself and the unavoidable mood swings.
“Pregnancy is exciting because you know you are going to develop the cute little baby bump,” she said. “But something I wasn’t ready for is the amount of stretch marks on my body and the places in which I have them.”
As the baby grew bigger and bigger, so did she. Attempts with creams and serums to stop the marks from spreading did not help much, and she did not realize stretch marks are typically related to genetics, she said, noting that her mother got them, so she likely would too.
“I just keep trying to tell myself that it is a slow recovery process and one day when I am rich and famous, I’ll just pay for a tummy tuck and get my stretch marks lasered off,” she said, laughing.
To help her cope through the changes in her body, Ayala frequently exercises and attends therapy. She is also working on becoming more conscious of how she reacts to certain situations in preparation for when she and Brandon have two children in the home.
“My adjustment disorder presents itself in a way where anytime I experience something new for the first time, or something doesn’t go as planned, I just end up freaking out,” she said.
The flare ups can be caused by something as big as moving houses, or as little as getting a new pet, she said.
To help mitigate her reactions to stressful situations, Ayala has been reflecting on the instances that trigger her, ones she handled poorly and others she handled well in order to best prepare herself for two children, she said.
“Therapy is helpful, but it is not the end all be all,” she said. “I think the best thing is learning where you stand and what your limits are.”
And her limits have been tested, she laughed, noting that her fiancé finds it hilarious when she gets angry due to the mood swings.
“I cry like three times a week and not in the cute little way they make it sound like it will be,” she said. “It’ll be like I am ugly crying because I saw a dog missing a leg, or I watched one sad commercial and now my entire day is ruined.”
Brandon remains a rock for Ayala throughout the pregnancy and their relationship, but his sass levels have been cranked up, or so she thinks.
“You know I just sit here and justify my mood swings every damn day because I am a pregnant woman!” she said, laughing. “We are fat. We are sad. We are in pain a lot of the time. We are really damn hungry. Our moods are justified.”
Luckily for Ayala, and Brandon, working in “LIMDU,” limited duty, has provided her with a network of other pregnant women and young mothers. The women will often exchange stories and advice with one another; something Ayala is thankful to have because not many other pregnant women do, she said.
Ayala, Brandon and Arianna during a gender reveal for Benjamin.
When she does give birth to Benjamin, she will be given six weeks of leave and another six weeks as “primary care giver” to the infant, she said. Brandon is allotted two weeks leave as “secondary care giver.” The two often sit and daydream about what their lives will look like with a newborn baby in the home, she said.
After her time with the military comes to an end, Ayala plans to go back to school for four to eight years, with the goal of becoming an OBGYN. She and Brandon will remain living in Norfolk, Virginia, he in the Navy, and her attending classes and caring for the children.
